after that conversation dalawa lang ung naramdaman ko…isa totoo ba etong nangyayari…na give up na sya sa akin??? pangalawa…. lisa kayanin mo..kasi ikaw naman ang nagsimula nito….

masakit sa akin to end this relationship…kasi eto ung pinakamasaya kong relasyon ever….anyone im talking to about us seems so happy about me and him together…walang may ayaw kung baga…pero bakit matatapos na ung relasyon na un??? sumobra ba ako???? naging demanding ba ako???? naging makitid ba ang utak ko???? ako ba ung hindi makaintindi??? or sya na hindi na iniisip ung mga needs ko naman bilang gf nya….

i’ve been to church twice this week….nung thurs. humingi ako guidance sa pag rereview ko at sa mga plans ko at guidance for me and our relationship and blessing for my family…..akalain mong by saturday may pagsubok na ako agad..and make me go to church again for this day sunday… to ask him answer to this problem…and for providing strength for me to conquer this obstacle he given to me….

now…i am trying to accept things…kung hindi na maayos at ayaw na nya..at kung hindi na nya ako mahal….im accepting this facts….now im alone again…facing my challenges in life…i need to strong not only for myself but for my family…sabi ko na kasi i will not go to MD…(marriage degree) buhay ko na lang muna ngaun..mas importante un…

myself..(breaking)

Last oct when my partner flew to canada…nung dumating kasi ako sa buhay nya he already started the application for that so no choice ako but to accept things that he will be far away from me…part of the acceptance is the part that i do have plans of going outside the country sooner..so accepted it and taking all the risk of a long distance relationship..

As our relationship is starting…he is the type of guys who will call me many times in a day..every morning when he wakes up..when going to school where he works..when he already arrive at workplace..during lunch time checking on me if i already take my lunch or not..and at the end of the day when he got home drom work…how wonderful isnt it….thats our set up when he is still in the country…

On my part it is a dream come true that someone came into my life and give all the things i wanted…a guy who will give all his time for me…

Until the time comes and he became busy because he will leaving the country soon….napadalas ung tampuhan..ung inisan at hindi pagpapansinan….na syang kinatakutan kong mangyari sa relasyon naming dalawa…kasi sa mga nangyari sa amin at sa mga pinakita nya sa akin nung nandito pa sya sa pinas was enough for me…na nasabi ko na sa kanya once…that i dont want to lose him..i wanted to spend the rest of my life with him…

Pero ngaun napapadalas lalo ang tampuhan at inisan naming dalawa…ayoko mang lumabas na nanghahamon ako ng break up pero di ko mapigilan kasi nasasaktan na ako…sobrang miss ko na ung dating lalaking mahal na mahal ako…na inaaway ako pag di ako nakakausap agad..

My heart is breaking again…and sana hindi pa sta malala para maging pirapiraso ulit…kasi di ko na kakayanin….kasi pagod na akong buuin ulit sya para sa panibagong darating pa…pagod na ako talaga….

In the relationship I’ve been through for all this years,, natuto na akong maging manhid kung minsan,, minsan na akong natakot pumasok ulit sa isang relasyon, minsang natrauma of having a guy beside me, minsang pinigilan ko ang sarili kong ibigay lahat ng kasweetan ko sa lalaking mahal ko. Pero despite of that, lahat ng yan na nanakit sa akin, makes me a strong person, natutong makipaglaban sa buhay, nakilala ng husto ang sarili ko, natutong pahalagahan ung sarili over everyone else, it makes me to be a good person, and more god fearing daughter to god. Kasi hindi ko naman malalagpasan lahat kung hindi dahil sa kanya….and now god im entering a relationship again, make me more wise and give me signs if kung sya na talaga ang ibibigay mo sa akin na makakasama ko in my entire life make me and him always there for one another, let the relationship keep going and give us both more strength that we know we will be needing to pass all the obstacle our relationship is facing lord, sa madaling sabi panginoon ikaw na ang gumabay at pumatnubay sa relasyon naming dalawa, sana sa dulo kami pa ding dalawa….

that was the time when my previous boyfriend seen me in their basketball game in our place, watching that ball game was accidentally part of my escapade..lolz*.

****tatagalog muna ako para mas maganda ang kwento hirap mag english..hehehe

that time i decided na tumakas at pumunta sa bahay nila diane, timing naman na may laro pala ung company nila ronald laban sa ibang filipino basketball team sa lugar namin, so kahit kabado i decided to go and watch that game, mahirap kasi on my part kasi hindi alam sa hospital namin na umalis ako and baka makita ako outside the hospital eh lalong lagot na. so ayun nakapanood naman kami ng game nila natapos and the game was awesome challenging and syempre the most happy part of it is they win..hehehe hindi sayang ang pag tili at pag cheer namin sa kanila. then after the ball game uwi na kami and had a small drinking session before dianne gone to duty. ung isang player sa kanila, tinutukso sa akin, i really dont know why, but later nalaman kong may gusto pala un sa akin, he did not pursue courting me kasi marami na daw nauna sa kanya na ka-company din nila. kala nyo un lang ang nangyari that day…kahit ako hindi ko akalaing meron pang nangyari sa pagtakas ko na un. after those days na holiday sa saudi, back to real world ang bawat isa meaning back to work ang lahat, even the industry companies. that was the time i knew from ronald din na merong isang kasama nila sa work ang nagkagusto sa akin after seeing me in the ball game, ronald ask my permission to give my number and email to that person, that time nasabi ko na lang sa sarili ko, why not total broken hearted naman ako, para ma-ease lang ung pain and baka sya na ung para sa akin. so my number was given to him and we begin to give message to one another and one time he called me. getting to know stage, we constantly communicate from exchanging message to chatting thru messenger. getting to know him make me fall for him little by little, knowing his accomplishment, character and all and also by showing his feelings for me make me fall for him too. until i decided to go have a relationship with him. and that was the start of our relationship.

so cute,good and ideal beginning of a relationship for me, but sad part is…that relationship that was started cute and ideal was ended with no closure at all.

if only i can turned back time, if only i knew that it will happen now, hope that i didn’t started it, didn’t fall for him that much, by that i will not feel all the pain i am suffering right now, kahit na limang buwan na ang nakakaraan, never he didn’t crossed my mind, never think of him, and never a day that i wish he will come again, and ask for me to love him again, mahirap ikulong ung sarili sa isang bagay na walang kasiguraduhan, but i do choose to enclosed myself in expecting that one day he will come again, he will hug me again, kiss me again, who will put me on his lap while seeing in my eyes, saying how beautiful am i to him.

katangahan mang hintayin ka, at umasa pang babalik ka, but i will, hanggang dumating ung time na merong bagong papasok sa buhay ko, na mamahalin ako tulad ng pagmamahal na pinakita mo sa akin, i do have till january or February para kahit papano eh mabawasan ung hopes ko na babalik ka sa akin.. and hope god will do blessed me with all the patience and preseverance i needed till that time…:(

this past few weeks, still i keep thinking about my ex boyfriend. half of my mind tells go ahead and move on search for the true happiness life can bring you, but half says just keep on believing and pray that he will come back and make your love story a happy ending.

two months now when both of us parted ways, not official though what he have done to me is quite same as saying, “yeah we are through and we can separate lives from now on. what i really wanted to say is, i am fore to do the break up, because suddenly he change, suddenly he didn’t communicate to me at all, by all means that i know to keep the relationship going i’ve done it for him, but he didn’t do anything to pay back all those effort .

and now i’m still suffering from that, although i’ve telling myself move on, because he does not care for me at all, but still here in my deepest part of heart i still hoping and believing that he will come and do his very best to win me back. that one day when he go back home here in phils, he will look at for me and continue expressing his love for me, i given myself upto december if he will come back home by that month, if the month pass by and he didn’t come back home, maybe that is god sign for me to set myself free from holding on to the relationship that we built way back in saudi. if that time comes and happen, i can say to him,

thanks for giving me a good love story although it is not a happy ending at least i experienced to love by somebody who got attracted to me who sees me through my eyes who makes me happy after a heartache i have gone through from the past, thanks for making me feel like a little princess, your baby and your only love. so sad that we’re not together anymore, but i do appreciate all the things you have shown me and for loving me even if that is for a short time only.

But after that day i feel lonely again, suddenly the past relationship i had flash back, specially all the questions that had been hanging here in my head all this time. all the question that will set me free from the memories of him, all the questions that will give me peace of mind why he choose to do that to me, why suddenly ignored me, why suddenly he just decided not to communicate with me, and thinking if I’ve done wrong for him to come up with such actions.

i know it is such a pity action to still think of me specially by thinking that he really hurt me a lot, for me i just wanted to have closure, i will not beg him to come with me again, to have a relationship with me again, all i want is to know what really happen, to know what came up with his mind to do like that to me.

with so much loneliness yesterday i decided to go to church and pray hard inside the house of god, praying and asking him to give me more strength to move on in dealing with my love life. Love in life was so much devastating and full of pains, from the start up to the this time. literally now, I’m so tired of getting into a relationship, giving chances to those who is showing love for me, because I’m afraid of another heartache, and realizing that he is still not the one for me.

why all of my relationship didn’t succeed???? who have faults??? me or the guys who i love????